Note: This is the passage referred to in the last entry (Reflecting Back on Treatment)
Quick Entry – October 14, 2015
This is something that I wrote when I was deep, deep into my eating disorder. It consumed every part of me and stole my focus from school, friends, homework, life, and grammar, as you will see in this. Please ignore my incorrect grammar, misuse of certain words, lack of punctuation/capitalization etc. This piece was written during one of my lowest points and captures my raw emotions, thoughts, and perspectives. I have not edited it since it was written in October. I hope you enjoy!
(Just as a disclaimer for anyone who might be triggered, I do NOT use numbers relating to calories, weight, sizes etc. but I do talk about my struggles with food.)
i hate it when people tell me i am motivated or disciplined or ambitious or even worse addicted to my healthy nature or my workout regimen. i hate it when people say they wish they had my determination to be so healthy because i have felt for so long now my “healthiness” has become unhealthy. i was scrolling through instagram last night and started crying as i came across a post it said “i destroyed my body for a peace of mind i never got”
when people look at me and see me refuse to eat sugar and fried foods and processed foods and when my conversations always consist of something of healthy information – they don’t know that when i go home i practice some of the most unhealthy habits. i chew a pack (or 2) of gum a day just so that i won’t eat. i drink bottle after bottle of water so that i’ll feel full. i workout as much as i can on the little food that i eat and i count calories as if its my job. if you spent a week with me i don’t know what you would call it but its not healthy. i would not consider myself healthy or determined or obsessed i would consider myself a little bit sick maybe. because i spend 24 hours a day thinking about food. i spend hours calculating how many calories i can eat and how much exercise i will have to do. the mirror is my enemy and i don’t want to step on a scale because when i do the deep seeded hate i have for myself is overwhelming even though the number is far too low for my height, but, i step on it anyways because it tells me i need to. i am so tired of dipping my fork in dressing because i won’t eat it poured over the salad and peeling the cheese off the pizza – never eating a whole slice, unless i made it because i know whats it in it. i spend far too long looking at recipes, workouts, and unachieveable bodies and when I’m not doing that i think about the rolls on my stomach the cellulite on my legs what i will eat next. grocery shopping is a nightmare. i could eat EVERYTHING in the grocery store but i usually exit having purchased a banana or an apple to curb my hunger while my friends leave with the tastiest most unhealthy snacks in the world. WHY CANT I BE LIKE THEM! For one second i would love to just not care just for one second. i want to enjoy actual not 100% chocolate, i want to eat pizza and a croissant aux amandes or enjoy something just something just ENJOY IT!! WHY CAN I NOT ENJOY IT! i wouldn’t consider myself anorexic I’m rarely hungry or at least i don’t feel hungry. I’m just obsessive and i can’t deal with that anymore