This entry is about my perceptions on/what I have learned about recovery. I just want to explain my reality of it – not 100% great, not 100% awful.
My Journal: Recovery Blurb 04/20/2016
Recovery goes up, down, backwards, and forwards. When I first heard this in my Monday night support group in my first week of recovery, I had NO clue what they meant. Now, I completely understand what they mean. It is truly a roller coaster.
There have been phenomenal days when I am so motivated, my recovery voice is booming, and I feel so confident and strong. There are the other days though where I feel as if I’m going to have my eating disorder forever (cue black and white thinking here), and I hate everything about myself. The lump in my throat has turned into a boulder, and all that I have learned about the pain that my eating disorder caused, has vanished. But hun, that’s life and that is what I tell myself. I am supposed to be living my life, but I wasn’t actually living with my eating disorder, I was kind of just existing. I was honestly just a zombie or a robot, programmed to count calories and plan out exercise sessions. That is not living, it’s not even breathing (when I could actually breathe or wasn’t passed out). It was such an out of body experience that I could not even grasp during the time I was deep in my eating disorder. It was painful, hey, it is painful. But this is life and I want to be able to live it. That is why I go through the backwards to get to the forwards and I embrace the downs because I know the ups are coming too.