As you might have been able to tell from the title of my post, this is a section from my journal. I was reading through my journal the other day, as I sometimes do because you know, got a lot of free time, but I found this little “blurb” that I thought was interesting. This was written during a time I was really struggling in my recovery and my thoughts have been adjusted and reframed (thanks CBT 🙂 I now am finding my “replacements” etc. but anyway, here it is.
My Journal: 03/16/2016
My eating disorder is kind of like an appendix. It’s in you and it’s there and it starts to bubble and it kind of explodes or bursts into a big mess and needs to be taken out. It’s not a necessary part of the human being and with it taken out, I am not really losing anything big, I am just losing something detrimental to my life. Right now, my eating disorder is my identity and I am scared to lose it, even though it is slowly killing me. Like the appendix, it doesn’t really need to be replaced with anything but I just think it does. I am scared to lose the eating disorder because I might not feel whole. I am worried about what will replace it when sometimes the “replacement” is already in me.
I don’t know if that made sense at all but something that has helped me through my recovery is analogizing my eating disorder to “tangible” things. For example, the appendix can kill us if it bursts and we recognize that so that the patient will survive. But with an eating disorder, a lot of victims don’t recognize they are suffering, in danger, or even dying. I know I was oblivious to the fact my eating disorder was killing me, but I continued with it anyway.