Category Archives: Question Responses

Hi all!
This is a place where I will be answering any and all questions you might have!
You can leave comments on my blog or if you would like to remain anonymous, feel free to instant message me through my instagram account and you can be anonymous.
Hope this helps :)

Ed’s Affect on School

Question: How did your eating disorder affect school?

Thank you so much to the amazing girl, JP, who messaged me on insta and asked me this question! Hope this helps a little 🙂

Ah, what an amazing question and honestly I’m sorry I have not written on it sooner. As many of you may know, I am a rising senior in high school. I am about to enter the wondrous world of college applications, portfolio making, essay writing etc. I have already stepped into the world of standardized testing, ACT, SAT, subject tests, you know… all that super fun stuff. So what did I do about school?

 

To be 100% honest I have not “schooled” since February. I spent my junior year in France, or a part of my junior year in France. I think that this made it more difficult to be able to enter back into school but I was also very fortunate. Right when I got back from France, I was put into a residential treatment center (where I would be for the next 10 weeks or so). I was not able to and chose not to enter into any school during that time so I spent my days doing ACT prep and math pages that Doc A sent me from France. My family and I agreed that time was the time to focus on recovery not on school or putting more on my plate than what I was already dealing with (A very smart decision, I feel) Now there is another factor. I have not been at POLY since May 2015, which I feel is an entirely different level of school and something that I will not be used to come August.

 

My eating disorder also made it incredibly difficult for me while I was in school. Because my brain was taken over by another “voice” and the majority of my time was spent counting calories, worrying about my food intake, planning exercise, and then executing it, I did not have the time or the energy to focus on school. A simple math problem could take me hours and reading just one chapter would take me days. I did not have the motivation to or the ability to do my homework or pay attention in class. A lot of the times someone who suffers from an eating disorder also suffers from depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts etc. These make it difficult to wake up in the morning and even go to school. Education and learning was not my priority anymore. School took a backseat to my eating disorder, which was plaguing me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

 

As some of you may know, I do not quit; sometimes out of my own stubbornness, other times because it’s not the right thing to do, and many times for fear of what others may think of me. I know very well, after having been Ed’s “best friend” for four years or so, he does not like to quit either. He will not give up without a fight and let me tell you the fight he is putting up now is maybe the strongest force I have ever encountered. When I was in France and my parents proposed the idea of me coming back to the United States, every single part of me, SHAE, said yes, take me home, yet every word out of my mouth was “no” and some other bs explanation on why I had to stay in France. My dad and best friend, Haley, had come to visit me during Christmas Break. The week after they left, I completely spiraled. I barely showed up at school, studying was non-existent, and homework was absolutely impossible. I felt completely out of control but that is when I had the ability to say I needed to go home, at least for a few weeks (there was no way I was going to stay, I told myself).

 

When I got home, I was basically told I was not able to go back to France. That meant QUITTING school, GIVING UP, and FAILING, or so I thought. I felt as if my whole world was coming down. Polytechnic school is a place where you succeed. It is a place where failure is not an option and where we breed perfectionists and the best and the brightest, except for me. I slowly learned thought that while Poly does have these expectations it is not a requirement. I am doing my best. I am learning and finding subjects that I am passionate about, which in all honesty, is good enough for me. I got my class schedule today and a “small” wave of panic came over me as I realized even though I am 350 pages into my summer reading book, I am still only half way done. And I pushed my AP Bio textbook to the side in order to set this computer on my desk so I should probably open that and start reading. The nice thing is now, I will actually be able to finish a sentence.

Question 1: June 1, 2016

Question: Why is it so hard to get rid of an eating disorder?

My friend asked me this question the other day as I was explaining my idea to her about having a question/response section on the blog where readers can ask me any questions they want and I will respond to them and post them in the response question. ANYWAYS… here is my response to this very important question that is very hard for many people to understand.

To be completely honest, before I fell victim to my eating disorder and even entered recovery I wondered why it was so difficult to go through treatment for a mental illness such as an eating disorder. I have perceived in today’s society that there is such a stigma surrounding eating disorders and mental disorders in general. Eating disorders in particular are rarely talked about. I remember researching eating disorders when I was about to start recovery and I found a lot of pro-ana (pro anorexia) sites, a few quotes, and a bit of research. I know that our society is progressing and we are starting to be more open about mental disorders but to be completely honest, right now, the stigma surrounding eating disorders sucks. When people don’t talk about a particular topic, how is anyone ever supposed to learn and understand what the whole idea is about? I mean, I knew nothing about chemistry before I started talking about it in sophomore chemistry class. I then became educated, learned the rules and basics surrounding the subject of chemistry and to be honest the same can be done for eating disorders.

I swear I am getting around to answering the question, just bear with me. I am going to be completely honest, there are some moments when I don’t know why it is so hard to “get rid” of an eating disorder. It is not like an illness where someone can take a couple antibiotics or lay in bed for a couple days and they are all better. I have heard from too many people who think that this is the way it is. I go to treatment and as soon as I am eating the food, I am ok. I am all better if I am weight restored or I can all of the sudden eat a cupcake without having a panic attack. Nope, that’s not it. I so wish it were that way. I wish there was a magic medicine to get rid of the eating disorder, or a formula that worked for each and every person. An eating disorder is so much more than just an incapability to eat food. It is something that plagues its victim from waking to sleeping. It is a cover up for a much bigger and deeper problem. Some people deal with repercussions of sexual harassment, verbal abuse, emotional abuse etc. It is a way to cover up and cope with all of the underlying issues and that is one of the biggest reasons why it is so hard to recover. Once the eating disorder is gone, you are forced to deal with all of the problems that lead to the eating disorder in the first place. It is so incredibly painful to be losing something that was considered a “best friend”, and then have to gain weight, and then on top of all that, have to deal with the emotions and the painful past that might have contributed to all of this.

As detrimental as an eating disorder is to one’s health (physically and mentally), I have experienced my own personal inner struggle with recovering from my eating disorder. My eating disorder gave me everything that I could have ever asked for. It gave me the body I thought I wanted, it gave me what I thought was strength and confidence over others, and it took away any problem that could have confronted me because of the numbing pain that is brought. But, as I have learned through recovery, these were all false “gifts” that the eating disorder bestowed upon me. The eating disorder is the most manipulative, mean, cruel thing I have ever encountered in my life. I can’t even see it so I don’t know who to talk to when I am trying to fight it. An eating disorder plagues the mind. It makes it impossible to see what the body actually looks like. The distorted perceptions and ideas are so detrimental to the uprooting of the eating disorder.

There’s a quote saying, “You can miss something but not want it back” and that is exactly how I feel about my eating disorder. I know I really really don’t want my eating disorder back, but it is hard to actually KNOW that I don’t want my eating disorder back. It is so hard to get rid of an eating disorder because a lot of the times a victim doesn’t even want it gone. How are you supposed to get rid of something that you love or that you think you love? It’s really, really hard, but not impossible. It is day after day of saying no to the voice in your head. Meal after meal of just picking up the damn fork and putting food into your mouth. It is thought after thought racing through your mind telling you how worthless you are and not knowing how to stop them. They are there in a power struggle every step of the way until years later into recovery they finally give up and the person battling it keeps fighting on.